Bullying & Beyond: 4 Questions

Rev. Ted Tollefson
Unitarian Universalist Society of River Falls, WI

If we just focus on the Bully and the Victim, we may overlook important resources for
change. In most cases, By-standers are the largest group. Withinthe By-standers,
there are potential leaders, change-agents and peace-makers. Behindthe Bully, the
Victim and the By-standers are larger networks of family, friends, culture, religion.
Bullies need to be held accountable to clear standards, they may lack empathy, and may
have few friends. Victims need to feel their own worth and dignity uplifted by
supportive networks. By-standers need to be encouraged to get off the bench and
intervene in a safe and constructive way. Life is not a spectator sport. If one child is
not safe,
no child is safe.

Where does bullying occur? Here's a partial list: public schools, prep schools, camps,
military boot camp, cults, gangs and prisons. What do all of these settings for bullying
have in common? They are examples of what the sociologist Irving Goffman
calls "Total Institutions". To varying degrees, Total Institutions surround residents
and attempt to control a wide ranger of behavior including where/when/what one eats,
where one can travel, what activities are authorized, who one can/cannot associate with.
It's difficult or impossible to leave a Total Institution. Most Total Institutions have
elaborate social hierarchies which reward upward mobility with increased status/
privilege/power.

There are many forces that may encourage bullying: passive leadership, uninvolved
parents and teachers, a violent culture, hateful religion. One factor is mistaking
difference for defect. When people are being bullied, they are often verbally abused at
the same time. They are punished for being "different". Other factors are rooted in
how bullying often takes places in "Total Institutions" which maximize social control
and encourage social hierarchies. Bullying maybe a hurtful reaction to a lack of
freedom and responsibility. Bullying is a violent attempt to move upward in a social
hierarchy and thereby gain more power/status/privilege.

How can we prevent bullying?

Every factor named and unnamed contain seeds of constructive change. Bullies need
to be identified and encouraged to cultivate compassion and responsibility. They need to
learn non-aggressive ways to make and keep friends. Potential victims need to be
reminded of their courage, worth and dignity. They need to be reminded that they too
are members of the human family, that with their help, the future will "get better". By-

standers need to be encouraged and trained to be agents of accountability and change
by speaking up, reporting bullies and befriending victims. Parents, teachers and other
ethical leaders need to be involved in the quality of life in the institutions we support.
Schools, camps, prisons need to encourage individual freedom and shared responsibility
and provide constructive, life-affirming ways to gain power and status.

At a deeper level, there are profound ethical and spiritual resources which can be
brought to bear against the habits of heart, mind and culture that foster bullying. We
need to keep repeating with ancient sages and contemporary prophets that difference is
not a defect, but a resource. Differences beautify the pattern of our lives. America is a
salad bowl, not a melting pot. Without difference, information and richness disappear.

For 2500 years, prophets and sages have been encouraging people like us to give up
our habit of seeking power and status through social hierarchies. We need to give up
the habit of raising ourselves up by putting someone else down. Listen to the words
of prophets and sages inviting us to imagine and live a life beyond hierarchy:
"The first shall be last, the last shall be first" (Jesus)
"Yield and over-come, bend and be straight" (Lao Tzu)
"It is by giving we receive" (St. Francis of Assisi)
"To cultivate the self is to forget the self" (Dogen)
"It is by dying that we are born" (Jesus and St. Francis of Assisi)
"In following the Tao, each day something is let go." (Lao Tzu)

In positive terms, the world beyond bullying begins whenever we live by the Golden
Rule. By treating others as we wish to be treated, we break down pyramids of power
and replace them with "networks of mutuality". By setting aside the love of power and
privilege, we make room for the power of love, compassion and mutual respect. When
we meet one another face to face, heart to heart, mind to mind we can create institutions
without violence, communities without poverty, a world without war. This is the kind
of world worthy to entrust to our children and grand-children. The "Kingdom of
Heaven" begins when love rules on earth---when there is neither Bully, nor Victim, nor
By-stander. Hear with new ears how Martin Luther King, Jr. speaks of this blessed
realm as a "Network of Mutuality":
We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality,
tied in a single garment of destiny.
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
There are some things in our social system
to which all of us ought to be maladjusted.
Hatred and bitterness can never cure the disease of fear, only love can do that.
We must evolve for all human conflict a method
which rejects revenge, aggression, and retaliation.
The foundation of such a method is love...

We must pursue peaceful ends through peaceful means.