Notes from the House of Grief
Rev. Ted Tollefson
©November 16, 2008 @ UU Society of River Falls
Question: What are the most important things you've discovered about grief?
Pre-text: Ecclesiastes 3. 1-8
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
1. Grief is inevitable, a necessary chapter in our human story. If
everything and everyone are changing, we're always losing
something or someone. Any kind of loss can occasion grief: loss
of a person, pet, job, income, health, ability, hope or dream.
Life is hello and good-bye, gaining and losing, holding on and
letting go.
2. Grief is more than sadness. It is a complex cycle of feelings: numbness, sorrow, anger, guilt or shame, joy, confusion,
anxiety, despair. The path of good grief often goes in circles: more like walking a labyrinth than a set of stairs.
3. The emotional cycles of grief are autonomous. They have a life of their own; they happen to us like weather.
Trying to change grief is about as easy as trying to change the weather.
4. Grief reminds us that we are not always in charge. Grief encourages us to 'let go'. Grief seems to come from a
part of our selves that is more than we think, deeper than what we consciously know, older than any individual life.
5. Grief can deepen our compassion. When
we turn towards our friends and neighbors and share their pain, their
load is lightened. Grief calls us to practice the art of being present
with one another in a humane way: listening and speaking, breathing in
and breathing out, healing and being healed.
6. Grief can also awaken our wisdom. Grief
reveals a world of paradox and painful contradictions. Every beloved
memory brings both pleasure and pain. Every turn on the wheel of grief
breaks our hearts and opens them. Every wound has a gift inside. Every gift has something broken about it.
7. Carl Sandburg's mantra for Saying Good-bye (adapted from Smoke & Steel, 1922)
Gather the stars if you wish it so.
Gather the songs and keep them.
Gather the faces beloved.
Gather for keeping years and years.
And then …loosen your hands,
let go and say good-by.
Let the stars and songs go.
Let the faces and years go.
Loosen your hands and say good-by.
Blessed are the peace-makers